2017-03-27 - 12:59 p.m.
Well, what can I say? I’m back.
It really has been many years since I’ve been to this site. I almost forgot about this part of my life. And when I read back on my previous posts I wonder, ‘What kind of kool-aid was I drinking? Was I this ridiculous?’ And then I think back to the many nights I spend with my husband and realized, ‘shit. I’m still ridiculous. Only 10 years older, married and with 2 boys.’
But really, I have matured a bit since those first few posts. And I remember now why I had set up this account in the first place.
I was a senior in high school with a humanities class that was online. So every morning during 2nd hour I sat in a semi dark computer room with 25 of my other senior classmates. My teacher would sit in the corner at the darkest part of the room doing who knows what? He sat to the back of me so I never really needed to look at him, and for some reason he never looked up in my direction to see if I was even on task. So for me it was a perfect situation because I absolutely did nothing because in that part of my life shit was going down everywhere and school work was the least on my mind. I would later suffer from that because I ended up having to take 2 English classes in the 2nd half of my senior year. If I had not passed either one of those classes, I wouldn’t have been able to graduate with my class. So I dodged that bullet.
So there I sat, trying to find some outlet of frustration. I didn’t want to physically write it down, so I thought since I was fast at typing I can do it on the computer. But can I do it online, anonymous and for free? If so, then where? And I just googled searched diary, and the rest is history.
One frustration that I loved to write about was my summer fling with a certain yahoo I had met. I was over the moon for this guy. So I wanted to write about him without telling any living soul that new me. Why, well I’m just weird like that.
So that brings me to the present. Why I ventured back here is because of those very posts of that yahoo. The one person who made me feel like there were butterflies in my stomach, vomit in the throat and had my heart racing 4 times the average heart rate. I wanted to take those feelings I had and put it into a book.
‘roll the eyes’
Yes. I want to write a book. The past few months since I was pregnant with my 2nd son I’ve been having this urge of writing something. I’ve had it before but I usually suppressed it for a good reason, and then it was long gone and forgotten until now. I don’t know if anyone else has ever had that feeling, but I did. And it’s been very strong lately. So when I have time between my family and work I try and throw in a few ideas of a book, or maybe start with a plot line, or a genre. That usually takes me EVERYWHERE. So I went with the first thing that I know and felt that was truly strong in my heart, and that was the love that I felt during the summer of ’04. And so I wanted to build on that feeling, and going back and reading my posts brought me back to it.
So now my need is to write a book. A romantic book. ‘roll the eyes’ again. You see it was not my first choice of this genre. I’d rather write a science fiction novel, a fantasy novel much like The Lord of the Rings and The Dark Tower kind. But really who am I kidding? I would like to be writing something that has the potential for that kind of intensity, but here I go starting with a romance novel. But I have to start somewhere. I think what I fear most, is my lack of any grammar skills. I hate very very VERY much to sound like an idiot, because obviously I’m not. So being able to express myself correctly in word format to strangers means something to me. Basically, I am my own worst critic.
*deep inhale*
*long exhale*
But here I am. I’m going to get this shit going. No more talk about writing a novel and letting my mind express the creative imagination that fogs my mind. I will finally turn the key, open the door and start walking towards that passion that has been lingering in my soul.
Thank you Diaryland for sticking around. I just might be able to write something I will be happy about.
